she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
