the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
