I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
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