come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Randomize