I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
