Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
