dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Randomize
