I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
