and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
