I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Randomize
