i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
