U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
