After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
