My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
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