Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
