Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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