Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize