The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
