Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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