I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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