last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Randomize
