Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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