you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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