3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
