We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
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