just tell him i said nine months
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
