Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
My liver just had a heart attack.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Randomize
