I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Randomize
