I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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