Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
there is glitter all over my balls
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
