Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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