a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
