i don't plan on having that self control this summer
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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