hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
