tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
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