If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
