He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
