I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
