i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
