Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
