I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
