do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
