I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
