Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Randomize
