Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
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