Swine flu. Run for my life!
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Randomize
