smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Randomize
