Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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