He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize