ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Randomize
