I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
time to smoke my breakfast
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Randomize
