She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Randomize
