i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
