Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
