You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
