it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
This baby is an asshole
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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