Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
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