So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Randomize
