my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
