You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize
